Loving Unlovable People
Is there someone in your life who is a challenge to get along with? Maybe you have a family member who has hurt you and continues to do so. The world is full of rude, hurtful people so chances are you have one in your life. But our interactions with difficult people are not limited to those we know or work with, for we must also contend with difficult and hurtful strangers, like those who cut us off on the road.
God’s word says to love one another (John 13:34-35) and that does not just apply to those who are easy to love. It applies to all people (Luke 6:35-36). But most important…this is not a choice; it is a command. So how do we love the unlovable people in our life?
We do it by understanding the difference between impersonal love (agape) and personal love (phileo). Once we understand the difference, we have the option to love the unlovable the same way God loves the unbelieving world who hates and rejects Him. He loves them with impersonal love.
Personal love (phileo) is the love we have for God. We love God because of who HE is. His love and perfection draw us to him because He is lovable. Personal love is the love we have for our spouse, because they possess the lovable qualities we choose to love. God did not command us to love others with personal love, because those that hurt us do not possess the lovable qualities to love. He commanded us to love others with impersonal love. So what is impersonal love?
John 3:16 says: For God so loved the world. The word for love there is agape, or impersonal love. The reason God can love the sinful, evil world is because He uses impersonal love. Impersonal love has nothing to do with the integrity of the world, because the world has no lovable qualities. It has to do with the integrity of God. He loves the world, not because they are loveable, but because He is love. When God loves the world, He is not loving their sin, their hate, or their rejection, nor is He approving of it when he loves them. He is simply responding to them from the integrity of His soul.
We get hung up when we think of loving the unlovable in terms of personal love (phileo), the same love we have toward God. God did not command us to love one another with personal love because that would be impossible. Even our spouse and children will hurt us. It is then we switch from personal to impersonal love. We are to love one another from our integrity that has nothing to do with the integrity of the other person.
We also get hung up in thinking if we love that person or show them kindness when they hurt us, we are approving of their behavior, or accepting their mean words as truth. We feel we need to “set them straight” and defend ourselves from their lies (I’ll get into that in part 2). This is not what impersonal love means.
To simplify…When someone is unkind to you, you are able to respond with kindness, not because they deserve it, but because you are kind. If you don’t respond with kind words from your integrity, then you compromise your integrity and are no different then them.
When someone behaves in ways you don’t agree with, use impersonal love to respect their right to their behavior, because your integrity respects the freedom of others. Sure, they don’t deserve it, just like you didn’t deserve God’s love that loved you in spite of your sin.
You aren’t owning the other persons behavior or approving of it when you love impersonally, you simply live and let live so to speak, and leave them in the hands of God Almighty.
But impersonal love is not just for the difficult people. When someone you love personally, like a spouse or child, or…parent, says or does something hurtful, switch to impersonal love and love them from your integrity and not from their momentary lapse of integrity.
Impersonal love allows you to be responsible for your behavior only. It allows you to disassociate from their bad behavior and respond with good behavior from the integrity of your soul…just like Jesus toward those who beat Him, spit on Him, mocked Him, and nailed Him to a cross.
If anyone has the right to respond in anger and lash out at his abusers, it was Jesus, for He was totally innocent. But instead, He responded with impersonal love from His integrity and said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” When Jesus said this, he was not loving their sin, their abuse, their behavior, nor was He approving it. He let their own behavior convict them and held fast to His integrity, by leaving the matter in God the Father’s hands.
Jesus is our example of how to love the unlovable. it is NOT always easy, but I promise you, if you practice using impersonal love, it will get easier.
But, what do you do with the hurt and pain their bad behavior caused you? I will address that in part 2 of Loving the Unlovable. For now, start with understanding the difference between personal and impersonal love and know that the same Holy Spirit that gave Jesus the strength to love His murderers, will give you the strength to love the difficult people in your life. You only need to be like Jesus and choose it, then use the power of the Holy Spirit to love impersonally.
