The Principle of Humility - Do You Hinder or Help?

Last week I spoke of working together as a team, and how healthy relationships require humility on the part of all involved. And I said I would share this week an element that we women often possess that hinders our efforts to function as an A-Team. That element is rooted in arrogance but manifests itself as perfectionism or the need to control.

Not all women struggle in this area, but many do. It’s to those women I’m writing this post. Uncovering this element requires humility and honesty, and when resolved, that woman will find freedom and God’s peace waiting for them. I know because I used to be one and am still recovering.

I’m not a psychologist, but I do know this behavior is based in arrogance and self-absorption, both of which are contrary to God’s Word and hinders our spiritual growth. I also know that the need to control is like a warm blanket that protects us from the thing we fear most…judgment, criticism, and feeling unworthy of love.

I can make this post short by saying God’s Word holds the answer, by renewing our mind as Paul talks about in Romans 12:2. Renewing our mind frees us from feelings that subconsciously control our actions. But, if you’re like me, you may need more explaining. So. let’s go deeper.

In this post I’m addressing specifically marriage and family, but the principle of humility applies to all relationships. It’s natural to want to please our husband and create a nurturing environment for our family. But if we have a need to control, we may unknowingly bench our husband and children and become a one-woman team. In doing so, we risk undue stress and fatigue for ourselves, and project feelings of inadequacy onto our husbands and children.

A perfectionist would rather do things themselves, the way they want things done. Hence, the arrogance. They complain when they get no help or support because what they want is more important than the well-being of the team. They do things for their children instead of letting them learn self-discipline and exclude their husbands in decision making to avoid the possibility he would disagree with what she wants. She’d rather do something herself than risk having it not done to her satisfaction.

There is so much to say on this subject that this post can’t address all the issues. My goal here is to get us to consider our role when our team breaks down. Sure, there are husbands who don’t participate through no fault of the wife. I’m not addressing them. I’m addressing the woman who needs to be in control and has sent her husband and children the message that they are inadequate, in essence, crippling them.

God designed women to be assistant coaches in the family, not the head coach. When the family works as God designed it, everyone participates and plays their position to the best of their ability. All are encouraged and kept in the game to learn from their mistakes, not nagged. If our husbands or children refuse to participate, our role is not to take over their position, but to nurture them back into the game.

I have a friend who leaned this principle and decided one day to include her husband in a decision she needed to make. When he responded with confusion, almost fear, as to why she was asking him, she realized how she had crippled him over the years. She told him she wanted his advice and after gentle encouragement, he finally engaged, and she took his advice. Since then, she makes it her goal to empower her husband by supporting him in his role as head coach, and trust God with the results.

Again, this post does not cover all the unique issues of all relationships. I’m hoping to bring awareness of the roles we woman play. We have the ability to tear the team down or build it up. Sure, the husband has responsibility as the head, but we can only be responsible for our part. We can make such a difference when we nurture our husband and children and allow their abilities to grow in a healthy environment.

Many years ago, I had trouble getting my husband to see my side of an issue. I nagged him and made the comment, “You know this is what God wants.” To which he replied, “How could I know? I can’t hear God over your nagging.” That comment hit hard. I can honestly say I NEVER nagged my husband again. Instead, I say what I have to say, pray for God to give him wisdom, and then back off and trust God with my husband…regardless of the outcome. Let me repeat. Regardless of the outcome, because, as head of the family, he answers to God. And nothing good comes from a wife who gets between God and her husband. Nothing.

So, in closing, if anything I said hit a nerve, be honest and examine that. Pray for God’s wisdom and revelation, knowing that God continually works to transform our thinking into the mind of Christ. Just like playing on a team requires humility, so does letting God change us on the inside for our good and His glory. When we allow God to change our flawed thinking, we become free of self-doubt and feeling unworthy, because our identity is grounded in the one thing that truly matters - God.

Overcoming emotions that control us takes time, but it is so worth it. When our life feels like a crumpled-up piece of paper, God’s Word smooths it out and restores our peace and joy. We simply need to humbly ourselves, let go, and let God do His perfecting work in us.

Romans 12:2 - Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Cheers to humility!