The Principle of Values - Defining Who You Are
When I was single, I had two rules before I dated a man. #1 - I would not date anyone who smoked. #2 - I would not date anyone who got drunk or used drugs. These rules, among others, were to help me stick to the values that were important to me. When I went on a first date with one man in particular, I discovered he smoked. The thing is, he was quitting…in one week. I believed him. On the second date, he got drunk. Okay, we all slip up. On our third date, he admitted to smoking pot, and had a history of cocaine. But by then, my attraction to him grew, in spite of my rules.
Eventually, our relationship deteriorated into a terrible break-up. Not because he lied or because I was so naive to believe his lies, but because I compromised my values…values I thought I could ignore. Values are nothing, if you don’t respect them.
Our values define us. The norms and standards that we live by determine the outcome of our lives. That’s how important they are, and why I ask you this question. What are the values you live by? Can you list them right now…without giving much thought to them? If not, then what do you use to make decisions when life takes and unexpected turn, gets difficult, or frightening, or…romantic?
The values I’m referring to are more than just rules of dating. They are the core values by which we make life decisions. The values we choose decide everything from how much sugar we put in our coffee to the debt we incur, all the way to who we marry...and even if we stay married.
The problem I had with my dating example, is that I let my emotions override my values. Emotions have no mentality, and therefore, cannot be trusted. This is why we are advised never to make major decisions after a death in the family, or after a divorce, when emotions are running amuck.
If we don’t develop core values ahead of time, we have no other option but to use our emotions when making decisions. This is why people get in trouble when they gamble, or flirt with drugs and alcohol, or sex. Emotions want only one thing, and that is pleasure. Pleasure is not a bad thing, but when it has no core values to balance against, it becomes the driving force in our life. Unbridled desire for pleasure always leads to destruction.
But this principle goes beyond gambling, drugs, sex, and alcohol. It applies to anything we lust after, like power, safety, love, affection, respect, applause, even happiness. If we let our emotions make decisions about out happiness, we risk making decisions that bring us happiness that doesn’t last. And when that fades, our emotions seek happiness in something else, and when that fades, we keep looking. This is a principle called a frantic search for happiness, brought on by letting our emotions make decisions instead of healthy norms and standards of core values.
You have a set of norms & standards that you live by, whether good or bad, or if you can voice them or not. But by focusing on them, you can decide which ones you should keep and which ones you should change. If you write them down, and refer to them often, you will develop a defense against the emotional decisions that are guaranteed to take over if you don’t.
Ask yourself these questions when making you list:
Do I take responsibility for my actions? How do I recognize this?
How do I guard my integrity? Am I willing to sacrifice it and why?
Do I care for the feelings of others and open to new ideas and perspectives?
Am I committed to adapting and bouncing back from adversity? Or am I ok with staying a victim?
Am I true to myself and genuine to others?
Is self-improvement important? Do I continually seek knowledge?
Am I fair toward others.
Am I genuinely humble, and recognize my limitations?
Do I forgive or hold grudges?
What place does God hold in my life? Do I live by His Principles or my own?
In my next blog, I’ll share my core values and the reasons for them. this will give you something to compare yours too. In the meantime, think about the values you live by now, and write them down. Have they been working for you? Have you compromised them? How’d that work for you? If you do this exercise, you may shed light on things you didn’t know were holding you back from that perfect life God had in mind for you when He made you. Maybe you’ll find the situation you are in, isn’t a result of bad luck after all?
