The Root

They say fear is the root of all anger. I disagree. I’m not an angry person. I just don’t like it when my barista forgets to secure the lid on my coffee. It’s not like I’d throw the coffee in her face. I mean I want to, but then where would I go for my morning latte?

When I was a kid my mom put me in acting classes to learn to express myself, to bring me out of my shell, make me social she said. You want to talk about fear? Put a seven-year-old on stage and let her stammer, then run off having wet herself. Or put her on a wild pony that runs her into a tree. You can say I spent much of my childhood in fear, with the greatest fear being that of disappointing my parents or anyone who breathed. Seemed the easiest way to deal with the fear was to say and do nothing.

I often wondered what adults thought when they’d ask me a question and get nothing but a blank stare. Words like idiot and dullard come to mind. But truth is, the question wasn’t the reason my seven-year-old mind entered a comatose state. It was the fear that if answered incorrectly, I’d disappoint them. So, fear ruled my life, but it never made me angry. Angry people are unstable and selfish. I am complacent and kind. Fear is like stumbling in the dark. You never know when it will reach out and grab you. It’s better to leave the light on so fear will stay in the closet. Sure, it still calls out your name once in a while, but it can’t grab you.

My husband says I’m the kindest person he ever met. Of course, I am. Unkind people get divorced and that would mean rejection. Why get married if you can’t be kind?

My boss says I’m the greatest server he ever had. Of course I am. Lazy servers get fired. Great servers get big tips when they please the customer.

My parents say they’re proud of me. Why wouldn’t they? Complacency makes parents happy. At least that’s what my therapist said. What does he know. He once told me that trying to please everyone was not healthy and leads to resentment and anger.

Like I said, I am not an angry person. Even my attorney said I had never done anything like that before. I was a good girl, a model citizen, and I deserved another chance.

Oh, hell. What does the jury know. They think instead of burning down my neighbor’s house, I should have just trimmed their unruly hedge.

Trying to please people for the sake of being accepted can lead to resentment, especially when it’s at the expense of our own feelings. Unresolved resentment often leads to anger, which is never good. It is true that anger is the result of fear, and in the case of being a people pleaser, the fear is in needing to be loved and accepted. Everyone wants to be loved, but we cannot make people love us anymore than we can make rain.

Philippians 2:3-4 says, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interest but each of you in the interest of others.

But when we have an unhealthy need for approval, we fall into boundary issues and self-neglect, resulting in resentment. so what’s the answer? The answer lies in our identity in Christ. When we seek God’s approval above others, we have a healthy balance in relationships and Philippians 2:3-4 is a result of our confidence in Christ.

I know the struggle and loss of idenity in being a people pleaser. But when we make God our priority, our need to be loved by others fades, because in putting God first, we experience His perfect love that completes us.

Click for more stories!