How To Resolve Conflict

Part One…

Is there someone in your life who is a challenge to get along with? Maybe you have a family member who has hurt you and continues to do so.

The world is full of rude, hurtful people so chances are you have one in your life. But our interactions with difficult people are not limited to those we know or work with, for we must also contend with difficult and hurtful strangers, like those who cut us off on the road, etc.

God’s word says to love one another (John 13:34-35) and that does not just apply to those who are easy to love. It applies to all people (Luke 6:35-36). But most important…this is not a choice; it is a command. So how do we love those who hurt us?

We do it by understanding the difference between virtue love (agape) and personal love (phileo). Once we understand the difference, we have the option to love those who hurt us the same way God loves the world who hates and rejects Him - with His virtue.

Personal love is the love we have for God. We love God because of who HE is. His love and perfection draw us to him because He is lovable.

Personal love is also the love we have for our spouse, because they possess the lovable qualities we choose to love.

God did not command us to love others with personal love, because everyone does not possess the lovable qualities of God…including us! He commanded us to love others from His virtue love.

So, what is virtue love?

John 3:16 says: For God so loved the world. The word for love there is agape, or virtue love. The reason God can love the sinful, evil world is because He uses the love that comes from His virtue, not the worlds.

Virtue love has nothing to do with the integrity of the world, because the world has no virtue. It belongs to Satan. Virtue love has to do with God’s Virtue. He loves the world, not because it is virtuous, but because God is virtuous.

When God loves the world, He is not loving their sin, their hate, or their rejection, nor is He approving of it. He is simply responding to them from His virtue. And as believers in Christ, we possess God’s virtue - His righteousness in our soul. It is from God’s virtue we are able to love the unlovable.

We get hung up when we think God wants us to love the unlovable the same way we love our spouse. That is impossible. But even our spouse will hurt us from time to time. It is then we switch to virtue love and respond from God’s virtue in us and not the hurt.

We also get hung up in thinking that if we love an unlovable person or show them any kindness, we are approving of their behavior, or accepting their mean words as truth. We feel we need to “set them straight” and defend ourselves from their lies (I’ll get into that in part 2). This is not what Virtue love does.

To simplify…When someone is unkind to you, you are able to respond with kindness, not because they deserve it, but because you are kind. If you don’t respond with kind words, then you have no integrity and are no different than them.

When someone behaves in ways you don’t agree with, virtue love lets you respect their right to their behavior. No matter how bad their behavior is, you are NOT condoning it, you are simply respecting their right to be a fool. Sure, they don’t deserve it, just like you didn’t deserve God’s love that loved you in spite of your sin.

You aren’t owning the other person’s behavior or approving of it when you use virtue love. You simply live and let live so to speak and leave their behavior to God.

Virtue love is being responsible for your behavior only. It allows you to disassociate from their bad behavior and respond with good behavior from the integrity of your soul…just like Jesus did toward those who beat Him, spit on Him, mocked Him, and nailed Him to a cross.

If anyone has the right to respond in anger and lash out at his abusers, it was Jesus, for He was totally innocent. Instead, He responded from His integrity and said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” When Jesus said this, he was not loving their sin, their abuse, or their behavior, nor was He approving it. He let their behavior convict them and held fast to His integrity, by leaving the matter in the hands of God the Father.

Jesus is our example of how to love the unlovable. It is NOT always easy, but I promise in time, it will get easier.

But what do you do with the hurt and pain left over from their bad behavior? I will address that in Part 2 of Loving the Unlovable.

For now, start with understanding the difference between personal and virtue love and know that the same Holy Spirit that gave Jesus the strength to love His murderers, will give you the strength to love the difficult people in your life. You only need to be like Jesus and choose it, then use the power of the Holy Spirit to love with virtue love.

How To Love the Unlovable

Virtue Love

Part Two

What To Do With the Pain

Loving the unlovable people with virtue love is the key to obeying God when Jesus said to love one another (John 13:34). As a reminder…when you use virtue love, you are not condoning the other persons behavior, nor saying they are right. You are simply allowing them the right to their behavior, just like you have the right to your behavior.

Are you loving, kind, and forgiving? You can be with virtue love and do it without condoning the other persons behavior. If you respond to hate with hate, or meanness with meanness, or are bitter toward those who are unlovable, then you are just like them. But you don’t have to be. You can be free of hatred, anger, & bitterness simply by choosing to respond with God’s virtue love that resides in the integrity of your soul.

For those of you who are honest and say that you don’t have enough integrity to use virtue love, your solution is found in learning and applying God’s principles to your life. This takes time and study of God’s Word, but make sure you study under a true teacher of the Word of God. One who rightly divides the Word of Truth.

Using virtue love towards all mankind works because you are responding from your integrity not from their behavior, just like God. But what do you do with the hurt and pain the person caused you? This must be answered because it is from this hurt and pain that one falls into the sin of hatred, anger, & bitterness. And the key is found in three principles

First ~ The most important key to using virtue love is found in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit’s power that gave Jesus the strength to suffer on the cross, although he was completely innocent. It was the Holy Spirit’s power that gave Jesus the strength to respond with virtue love toward those accusers, liars, and murderers. During his whole life, Jesus operated ONLY with the power of the Holy Spirit as an example for us to follow. Because of that, we are without excuse.

The same power that sustained Jesus on the cross will give you the strength to love the unlovable, respond with virtue, and be God’s light in a dark world. However, it is crucial to understand that the Holy Spirit’s power is only available when we are filled with the Holy Spirit. And we are filled with the Holy Spirit when we have no unconfessed sins (post-salvation) separating us from His fellowship.

1 John 1:9 says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians 4:30-32 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Wow, that is such a powerful, convicting verse and says it all! This passage tells you what to do, and virtue love is the key.

Second ~ Before you respond to accusations, gossip, or actions of others, ask yourself, “Does what they say have any merit?” This takes honesty and a deep desire to understand truth. It may be that God is using that person to reveal something about yourself to you. But if you can honestly say their actions have no merit, then understand their actions toward you are usually coming from hurt, pain, and bitterness they are struggling with in their soul. At this point, recognize that God has just put someone in your life that needs His love, and He is asking you to be His light in their dark soul.

Do you want to serve, obey, and be used by God? Do you want your life to glorify God? Then love the unlovable with virtue love and don’t throw away the opportunity God is giving you to be His light.

Third ~ Consider where you place your identity. Do you place your identity in the other person’s opinion of you, or in God’s opinion of you. If you place your identity in other people, you open yourself up to hurt and pain, because all people will fail you at some point. But God will never fail you, never abandon you, and never hurt you…ever.

If you truly place your identity in God, He is the only one whose opinion matters. If you know the other person’s actions have no merit, then stop trying to change their opinion…because their opinion of you doesn’t matter.

If you can’t ignore their opinion, then you are seeking your happiness in the unlovable person and not God. You are saying that God is not enough, and you would rather have the approval of the unlovable person instead of the approval of God. Loving people with virtue love ensures God’s approval and glorifies Him.

God wants to be your all in all and the sole resource of your joy and happiness. Could it be that God has placed a difficult person in your life to teach you this principle? Difficult people have a way of driving us to the feet of Jesus…the only source of true love and happiness.

Using virtue love is a choice, just like choosing to believe in Jesus is a choice. All that is required is your “yes” to God for Him to use you as an empty vessel by which His love flows to people in desperate need of Him. Be God’s salt and light in a dark world and use virtue love for God’s glory in a small, but impactful ways.

You Are The Key!

Unlock God’s Love…